Jim's Night of Homemade Pizzas, Where Nothing Could Possibly Go Horribly, Horribly Wrong

Pax East!  Chocolate cherry cupcakes, Deb's ever-growing feet, niece Katie possibly wandering around outside dressed like a minotaur, make-your-own-pizzas, and a possible kale salad hampered by the lack of kale.

That was a supper club lightning round!  And now for a bit more coherence.

Greetings, friends and neighbors and welcome to another Supper Club post.  This one's coming to you on Friday night instead of Saturday, due to the fact that Deb and I will be spending tomorrow at my old family home up in Maine helping my Mom and Dad move.  (Pause for ANGST).  So since today was a work day for some of us we've gotten a bit of a later start than usual; but we're compensating with a slightly easier-than-usual recipe batch, so it all works out.  Kamtriya!  What could go wrong??

It's the weekend of Pax East, a ginormous video game convention occurring down the street from us, so the sidewalks outside are clogged with Jedi and Doctor Whos and people wearing TARDIS hats (for the inevitable "it's bigger on the inside" joke) and other outfits even we are not nerdy enough to get.  Some of Deb's family have attended in previous years, but this year they decided to stay down south and buy their first house instead.  Some people's priorities...

And this is just the line for the bathroom

Deb leaps into action making the pizza sauce...and is immediately flummoxed by the fact that the recipe calls for 110-degree WATER.  As an Italian, she says, she is insulted by this!  (As a Norwegian she feels water that hot is sinful, but that's a whole other thing).  We're also weirded out by the fact that there's honey in the recipe.

We talk our Default Pizza toppings.  With Deb it's onions & mushrooms, with Jim it's onions & black olives, for me it's Meat, and with Alex it's complicated by the fact that some shops don't do a good red sauce but others do and sometimes he's more in the mood for fancy stuff than others and if certain vegetables are in season and and and...Leone's in Somerville is a good place for very tasty pizza, is the fact I come away with.

As for favorite peepza toppings, the jury is still out.

Jim points out that since he's been in town we haven't had a supper club go so badly we've had to junk everything and order out for pizza.  Causal relationship?  Or just sheer luck on our parts?  Is part of it also that we used to do cooking club on weekdays (which is CRAZY)?

Return visit from FUTURE BRIAN here, who felt he needs to point out that the last paragraph was completely unedited and written with absolutely no knowledge of what was about to unfold.  Oh wow, the sweet, sweet hubris.  It tingles!

Alex is working on putting the cupcake wrappers in the tin and keeping them weighed down with a frozen cherry in each one.  Visually pretty, cookingly frustrating!

Collard greens were bought instead of kale, and now we're figuring out what to do with them.  Sauteeing is called for.  But what else?  Raisins?  Nuts?

As if our joke about Jim being a good luck charm called down the wrath of hubris gods, less than 90 seconds after Deb leaves for a dog walk, DISASTER STRIKES.  The pizza doughs were rising in the oven in plastic bowls, and when the oven got turned on to heat up for the cupcakes, Bad Things Happened.

VERY

BAD

THINGS

On the bright side, we have two decent looking loaves of bread!

(Though whether they're actually baked on the inside is anyone's guess.)  And the cupcake batter is totally fine, and nothing caught on fire...really, this is all for the best.  This was a triumph.  I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.  It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.   (To the one person who recognizes this quote: thank you.  We hope you enjoyed PAX.)

"It smells good, how bad can it be!" --Deb's first statement on getting back from her dogwalk, before seeing the melted plastic.

Insult to injury: there wasn't enough sour cream for both the cupcakes and the frosting.  And now all the sour cream in the house is in the batter.  So we improvise!  Ricotta might take the place of the sour cream.

We debate ordering out or trying to somehow Save the Day.  What if we take the loaves of what were once pizza dough, slice them up into flat surfaces, and make pizzas with them?  It will turn out like french bread pizza from childhood is the _best_ case scenario,

Oh yes.  It's on.

"I like it when things go to hell!  I hate plans!  I hate YOUR plans!"--Deb, getting feisty.  (If anyone wants to use this quote in their wedding vows, we ask that you credit her somewhere in the program).

Deb is now slicing up the loaves into rounds.  We're pre-heating the oven for the "over-filled, over-sour creamed cupcakes".  Since we didn't have any plans for the collard greens at all Jim is soliciting ideas.  We check the Bittman vegetarian cookbook, which has exactly 1 collard green recipe, and it involves marinated tofu.  Bittmannnnnnnnn!!

So not helpful.

Jim is grating cheese in the cuisinart; Alex is making cupcake frosting and giving it some zing by adding maraschino cherry juice, Deb's original idea.

"He said share with Rommy, he didn't say share with Brian.  And besides, there's still a side Rommy hasn't licked."  --Deb, 'sharing' the frosting.

While Jim focuses on the pizza toppings, Deb and Alex return to Bittman's recipe and try to figure out an approach to the collard greens.  "It looks terrible", is Deb's opinion; in lieu of a documented recipe, Alex decides he's going to riff.

"What's the difference between batter and dough?"  "Dough's a solid and batter's a liquid."  "A plasma, anyhow."  "GEEK."

We realize that we have herbs de provence and decide they should, nay, MUST go on the pizza. 

"What temperature do you think the pizzas should go in on?" "425!"  "350!"  ".......okay, so 385."

We add a little red wine vinegar on the mushrooms; Jim laments forgetting to add a little garlic into the ricotta so it could soak up the garlicky flavor.  We let the cupcakes cool, and their yummy scent mixes with the onion and mushroom grilling odors.

Pizza possibilities:  Goat cheese, mozzarella, ricotta!  Olives, onions, mushrooms, pepperonis (!),  roasted peppers, and of course herbes du provence.  (Technically melted plastic is a possibility too, but we don't recommend it).

"Never give up.  Never surrender."--Alex motivating us to keep going with our mini-pizzas after the disaster.

While our mini-pizzas pizz (pronounced 'peetz'  ((no, REALLY))  ), we frost our cupcakes.

At this point we adjourn to the next room to munch, judge, and watch the bizarreness of the first episode of Season 4 of True Blood and the first episode of Season 1 of Lost Girl.

And also, to give our scores!

Brian	Deb	Alex	Jim
Pizza: B; my crust was a bit too thick and chewy, and it skewed the results.	Pizza: B+. Very satisfying. A little bit too chewy, but otherwise it was great.	Pizza: C.  My piece was too thick, it didn't totally cook in the middle, I thought the sauce was a little sweet.  I liked the bit I had afterwards with lots of cheese and no bread.	Pizza:  B+ for me.  My piece was cooked perfectly and was just the right thickness, and I was shocked at how good it was.  The sauce was a little sweet on its own, but good with my toppings (maybe the pepperoni helped).
Collard greens: B+...I only could fit a tiny amount of them on my plate, but the oil and honey worked well.	Collard greens: Delicious!  A!  I put them on my pizza, and they made the pizza a lot better.	Collard greens: B. The flavoring was nice (honey to cut the bitterness), but it was a little off.  I would have liked to add a little smoky flavor--bacon bits or smoked sea salt would have been very good.	Collard greens:  A-; I thought they were quite good.  Alex is right, that a bit of smokiness would have been very good.
Cupcakes: B+...the cake by itself is moist but a bit bland, but the cherry frosting kicks the whole dessert into gear!  I will note that I'm a bit incredulous that three of us have facial hair and yet I'm the only one to get the frosting all up in my bristles.  Unacceptable!	Cupcakes: Man I love that cherry flavor.  Nom nom the chocolate's good too...this one's an A.  Totally wonderful.	Cupcakes: B-...the cherry is the best part.  The maraschino flavor is too intense for me.  I love cherries, but maraschino cherries don't taste like cherries!  The ricotta is nice and makes a nice frosting.	Cupcakes: I'd give them a B.  I think if we'd used natural cherry juice this would be unstoppable.  I like the cake; I don't like the fact that it won't come off of the cupcake wrapper.

Bri's Night: Union Square Haikus

Greetings! Tonight's blog entry is a meditation on two things. One of them is Union Square, the delightful neighborhood North of Central Square, where we are blogging. The second meditation is patience and brevity, which are the only recourse of the poor blogger, who must blog on a freaking iPad. Perhaps the entire blog should be written in haiku...

Check it out here!

Brian got a cookbook called Nibble, which is a taste of Somerville's restaurants, which gives us tonight's menu.

Loroco Pupusas
Calls for more cheese than we have
Jim sheds a tear

Djon Djon Rice
Broth of Small Haitian mushrooms
Don't tell the FDA

Sri Lankan Hoppers
Yeasted crepes, lukewarm beer
Rice flour and coconut milk

new problem arises
16 ounces of rice flour
Is not four cups

If you are in need
Apocalypse box contains
Rice flour aplenty

Loroco is opened

Smells like fermented ocean

Deb tastes, says "wow."

Amusing fact emerges
Marshmallow fluff can be made
Into martinis

Donut muffins
Baked just like muffins
But covered in sugar

Breakfast Battle!

You're doing it wrong

Deb looks for the right tool

Bri is almost done

Haiku is a virus
Infecting speech and memory
I can't do it fast

Whatever Brian is drinking makes it go faster.

The Batter will rise
This small bowl cannot abide
A double in size

Knock knock? Who is there?
Hoppers.  Hoppers who?  Leave me
Alone for 8 hours



Writing haikus
...
A hard shoe to fill

Yogurt found in fridge
Should have been in donuffin
Who wants a smoothie?

To make Pupusas:
Make a doughball, fill with stuff
Mush together. Fry.

First Pupusa taste
Needs salt? Needs peppers? Needs time?
Experimentation

Deb and Bri travel

To the desert of Utah

Fear the killer pigs

Just ask Survivorman

Writing in haiku
Makes me ponder my life's goals
I want to fart less

Deb gives me advice
In spite of these Pupusas
Don't eat so much cheese

Deceptacon plays

Bri opened for Le Tigre

He dressed in a skirt

Radical cheerleaders in action

Four minutes per side
Pupusas aren't cooking
Somehow rice is done? 

Butter and sugar

Roll the muffins with above

Plus, add cinnamon

Thought: breatharians Probably don't need to poop But do they pass gas?

"I'm dehydrated" Deb finishes her lager Fills bottle with water

Oh no! Rice is hot But the bottom is now burned Transfer but don't scrape

Photos are taken
Sookie Stackhouse calls to us
She reads our minds: "hungry"

Bri:

Cheese Pupusas yum

I really enjoyed the taste

I give it A moins (A-)

Djon Djon rice ok

A bit mild, needed more salt

B- from me

Muffnuts are awesome

Awesome awesome awesome yum

I give them an A

Deb:

Pupasas were great
But the Haitian rice was foul
That recipe fucked up

Cinnamon goodness
Doesn't cut it as dessert
But as breakfast,A

Jim:

Pupusas were fine
As ever more cheese would please
Masa done? Not sure.

Mushroom broth smelled great
Added peas were a nice touch
Djon Djon rice was meh

Muffnut donuffin
Half dozen for each of us
We must still make more

Alex:

Pupusas then rice
Delightful melty cheese bits
Boring afterthought

Firm, sweet outside hides
Surprisingly moist inside
Not unlike donuts

3/9 NIGHT OF WHOOPIE

Hello, friends and neighbors!  We have struggled through blizzards, trips to Puerto Rico, D.C. and Chelmsford, and have made it out the other side to unite to create another unforgettable night.

But wait, you might say, is that hyperbole?  No no, my friends, for when have you ever before encountered an entire meal that is WHOOPIE PIE-INSPIRED?  Never, that is when.  Do not deny it. 

Even as I, Brian, fumble to turn the laptop on and begin chronicling Alex has created a bleu cheese cream and is blending whipped heavy cream into it.  Homemade pear jerky has already been made, and Deb is turning it into a sort of jelly.

This is what liquified bleu cheese looks like as whipped cream is added to it.  Is it also a fancy representation of the kanji for 'whoopie pie'?  (Answer: no.)

We have homemade butter, which is exciting; in a callback to last month, we are also constructing our own english muffins!  To construct the dessert whoopie pies we're already, 1/5th of the way in, having to improvise since the recipe calls for something called lime extract which has been impossible to track down.

I get my first glimpse of the recipe title, and it is 'lime coconut whoopie pies'!   We also have 'caprese pies two ways', 'pear butter and bleu cheese custard english muffin sandwiches', and 'veggie patties stuffed with roasted garlic, caramelized onions and brie'.  Alex is not sure how he'll keep them from being so greasy we can't even pick them up--fake meat patty as a bun is, traditionally, not very dry--but that's the sort of challenge we, as a team, love.  (No that's not true, the sort of challenge we love is 'how many cheddar biscuits can we eat in one meal').

Let's make a quick note here about the winding road to whoopie pie glory...Alex and Jim first found the lime coconut whoopie pie recipe in a cookbook devoted to whoopie pies (as one does) http://www.amazon.com/Whoopie-Pies-Dozens-Match-Recipes/dp/0811874540, but had a few qualms about it.  So they started searching the internet and discovered *another* food blog who had *also* had those same qualms, and who had detailed how they'd adapted the recipe: 

http://chipsthatpassinthenight.blogspot.com/2011/07/coconut-lime-whoopie-pies.html

So since we're adapting it even further, this dessert is us doing a cover of a cover.  We're the Dread Zeppelin of cooking blogs.

We also have sundried tomatoes which Alex would like to use somehow in the stuffed veggie patties, but he hasn't decided whether they will be in the filling or the patty.  Chewy or savory?  Ahh, the eternal question.

This, it should be noted, is the maiden voyage of the Kitchenaid Stand Mixer, a shiny new addition to our metaphorical toolkit.  We are going to mix the FUCK out of things now!...and hey, our first NSFW post.  Who knew it would be that easy!

Like a wee baby Cylon

We're going to blend up the onions (currently cooking), garlic and brie and turn them into patties.   Deb gets out the mozzarella balls and tomatoes.

Alex gives a little demo of his 'caprese pies', also known as the wee-tiny-tomato-and-cheese-whoopie-pie-concept, and it BLOWS MY MIND.  Basil and olive oil are going to get swirled up with the minced tomatoes or mozzarella, and those will be the wee fillings of the tomato or mozzarella sandwiches.  INSANE!

We (or, at least, the 3 of us who don't think Dairy is Evil) are very proud of the fact that the homemade butter is being used in nearly every part of the meal!  It has not, alas, been sculpted to look like anything (except, possibly, a head of cauliflower) but these are early days.

Today

SOON

Alex is opening and inbowling (if that's a real word) the fake sausage, and adding in garlic and melted butter and minced sundried tomatoes; next comes some shaky cheese, the miracle ingredient in a LOT of our dishes.  (Never eat my ice cream.)  Deb is beginning to prepare the dough for the muffins, and  I'm pulling up a video for CIA homemade english muffins to refresh our baking memories!  (That's the culinary school, not the spies).  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdwCJQ_RAP8    

Jim is portioning out the dessert pie outer parts and popping them in the oven while Deb divides up the english muffin dough and Alex blends up the roasted garlic, brie and onions; a taste test reveals it doesn't quite have the punch we like, and a little parmesan gets added.

Deb has triumphed with making big fluffy english muffin balls!  They go in the oven too.

We seem to be stuck on a lack of filling for the lime coconut whoopie pies, as we don't have any coconut extract or heavy cream.  We ponder turning them into 'lime LIME whoopie pies with a faint hint of coconut', but that name's not nearly as catchy.

Alex makes a wish to the universe for another cast iron skillet.  (Just making a note for upcoming birthdays).

"Oh wow--that english muffin looks like an english muffin!"--Alex, showing our high standards at work

Ji---SOMEone was making the coconut filling for the whoopie pie, but instead of powdered sugar, regular sugar got used.  It's super-grainy.  We take a step back and start the filling over.  Deb, meanwhile, has chopped up the basil and is getting the olive oil, making the fillings for the tomato and/or cheese sammiches.

Deb has the toothpicks out and is making our little wee tomato/cheese sandwiches-on-a-stick.  And they're SO CUUUTE!

...except she is focussing on the tomatoes "because they're easier", and there is a CHEESE GAP!  Woe and calamity!

Rommy, meanwhile, is drooling all over Deb's leg.  We leap to the astonishing conclusion that he likes cheese.  (TAKE NOTE, SCIENCE)

(Note to new readers: Rommy is Jim's dog, and not an unmentioned-before-now guest and/or failed Presidential candidate.  Just nipping any confusion in the bud.)

While the appetizer and dessert whoopie pies get constructed and Alex warms the english muffins up for the whoopie pie main course (apparently they weren't fully cooked on the inside because the skillet was too hot) Deb gets ready to pat the veggie sausage patties totally dry and put the brie/caramelized onion blend inside for the KFC homage course.  It's, honestly, a gooey mess.  And Deb's enjoyment of overstuffing them is making them even more, well, challenging. 

My reaction to watching this is a lot like Scotty's whenever Kirk says they need to go faster.  "Yuh canna DU it!"

We're good to go apart from the english muffins, and take this opportunity to clean up a little.  And by "we" I mean the non-bloggers, for lo, I have the important task of chronicling this night and making it a tale to echo down the ages.  While we wait another five minutes for the english muffins to firm up we sacrifice one, shred it, and dip the bits in the brie filling, which YUM. (Though Deb thinks it tastes a little mayonaissey and might need some jam). 

The english muffins are quickly becoming the white whale to Alex's Ahab (english lit minor, woop woop), as we check them again for sufficient doughiness and put them back in the oven.  We pass the time with a couple of musical mashups

 and major/minor scale fun, featuring "The Happy Godfather",

and then play the "What are the most offensive knock-knock jokes we can possibly come up with" game, which we will not include here because we still crave your respect.

"Remember when I said we weren't that far from eating?  That was funny!"--Alex.

Last stage of assembly now, as we put in the amount of pear butter and/or bleu cheese that we wish.

And...Grading!

APPETIZER THINGIES WITH THE TOMATOES AND MOZZARELLA:
Jim: B.  The reason's that the mozzarella wasn't really that flavorful.  Great concept, tasty tomato, but the cheese let us down.
Alex: Same as Jim.  I'd give it a B+ as opposed to a B.  If the cheese was more delicious it really would have helped, but I'm just happy it held together.  It did not fall apart!  Deb did a good job putting them together.
Deb: The concept was sound!  Maybe more on the B-...it felt like it needed to be suffused in something tasty.  Maybe if we'd marinated it for three days?  In the summer with fresh tomatoes it would've been more amazing.
Brian: B...I'm not a tomato fan, but this was very entertaining.

ENGLISH MUFFINS, SOME WITH BLEU CHEESE SPREAD, SOME WITH PEAR JELLY
Deb: B+!  It's a surprising flavor combination.  The english muffins were still hard.
Alex: We sacrificed the texture on the outside for the fluffy on the inside.  If we'd gone with a biscuit maybe it would've been better.  B.    The video said to put the griddle on 300...this is FUCKING USELESS when you're trying to do it on the stovetop.  I don't know how I was supposed to know when it was done on the inside.   The mousse and butter I remember liking more last time--the pear butter could've been sweeter.  It was still and interesting flavor combination, and it's good to have that kind of novelty.
Jim:  B-...we failed with the english muffins again, though we were a lot closer.  I think it needed something crunchy, other than the english muffin.
 Brian: B...I liked the pear spread a lot, the bleu cheese was as good a bleu cheese as I've had, and the english muffins were crunchy in an entertaining way? Of sorts?

STUFFED VEGETABLE PATTIES, aka the KFC DOUBLE DOWN, VEGGIE BURGER STYLE
Jim: I give those a solid A!  I thought they held together really well, the brie-onion mixture didn't squeeze out like I thought it would, I thought the smoked dried tomatoes gave them a fun taste.
Deb: I was not a fan. C-.  I really didn't like the overpowering Gimme Lean taste.
Brian: A!  While I normally DO find the taste of veggie patties overpowering, with the brie-onion mix it made for a really good flavor combination.
Alex: I give it a B+...I thought there were a few notes that were missing that would have made the flavor more well-rounded.   In a good bread bun with lettuce and tomato I probably would have liked it more.  The brie mixture didn't knock my socks off.  I did like the patties and the sundried tomatoes, and soaking the grease out of them afterwards worked out excellently.

TRUE BLOOD SEASON 3, EPISODE 8 'NIGHT ON THE SUN'
Deb: So violent!  I liked the wolves.
Brian: They're very fluffy!  (...unlike the english muffins...)
Alex: I'd like to mention the highlight, which was watching Jessica and Bill speed-sparring.  The best scene in every...EVERything, is always the training montage. 
Deb: I totally disagree.  With martial arts, yes.  But if it's like, an alien? Who needs to learn english?  Ugh.

COCONUT LIME WHOOPIE PIES
Alex: I like the way these feel!  Everything has a really nice texture. A.
Deb: I give them an A.  That coconut flavor is really strong.
Jim:  A!  The only thing is that if we'd had some lime extract it could have punched up the flavor even better.
Brian:    A.  Wow.  It's like two snickerdoodles with a margarita in between.  Have I said A?  A.

TRUE BLOOD SEASON 3, EPISODE 9 'EVERYTHING IS BROKEN'
All of us: That ending omgwtfbbq!!!   A! 
 

Every villain should give monologues to dead henchmen in jars.  'Nixon' would have been ten times as entertaining.