Alex's Night: Happy Birthday, 'murica!

This cooking club post is a looooooong overdue shout out to Americans everywhere. Overdue, because we actually ate the food over a month ago on Independence Day, not because Americans are known for being deprived of self praise. Why so late? Well, see, it was Slacker Jim’s turn to write the post...

Those of you who are melatonin and culturally-challenged will recognize the fine cuisine described below as a loving homage to trash du trail-er, filtered as always through the perspective of four people who can cook about as well as a snake can clap  ...

We are joined tonight by celebrity chef Janet -infamous celebrity, that is,  because she’s the only born and bred real Boston suburbanite in the room.  Welcome, Yankee, I mean, Janet! 
 

Jovial celebrity chef Janet

Snackage

The meal begins with an homage to two things near and dear to the heart of every true American - potato chips and the microwave. ( Anything cooked in a microwave falls firmly within  the trailer scope, we feel.)  And while not quite as lazy as just opening a bag, microwave potato chips are incredibly easy to make.

1.)  Slice potatoes
2.)  Spray Pam (or other lipidacious spray)
3.)  Microwave
It helps when you add plenty of salt at the end, but they are crispy and wonderful!  And, as 
long as you don’t believe that microwaves are inherently evil, suspiciously healthy...

As with most our food, they tasted better than they looked.

Pro tip: Boy, do sweet potatoes shrink in the microwave.
Pro tip #2:  We brushed flavored oil on the plate and laid the chips on the plate and then used our oil spray bottle to coat them.  Much healthier.  An advantage to making them this way is you can try different seasonings. 

Amateur tip: For fun and profit, try microwaving expanding peeps on top of shrinking sweet potatoes and watch them cancel each other out!

Biscuits

Jim sez: I hear Deb informing Janet that they got me that silicone baking mat for my birthday and how we'll never need to cook with oil or grease again as they load the butter and crisco laden biscuits into the oven. They’ve been busy making a vegetarian version of Greg’s Southern Biscuits and bonding over health tips.  For these biscuits,  we substituted Crisco for the lard and sauteed vegetarian "bacon" bits in butter and strained them out to simulate bacon drippings.  The smokey flavor of the fakin’ bacon is pretty impressive, but it’s unclear if it’s a good substitute for the real thing.  One wonders, does the real thing also have tons of MSG?

Deb has destroyed many a biscuit recipe in her day.

 
"You should write that down, I just said something brilliant!" -- Janet.  Oops, I missed what she said BEFORE that, but I bet it was AWESOME.

In keeping with the theme of tornado challenged housing, have we mentioned that Deb is obsessed with the idea of living in a Tiny House ? Isn’t it interesting that tiny houses are built on wheels and so are trailers? Could it be a coincidence that her husband Brian is morosely foreseeing a day when “all our appliances will hang from the ceiling on bungee cords like the ketchup and mustard squirters at McDonalds?”

A great green bean debate suddenly erupts.  Are you one of those people who insist that both ends of green beans need to be snapped off?  If so, YOU'RE WRONG!!! [Says Mr. "I saw it on a cooking show so it must be true." -Deb] The stem end is the only end that has to be removed.  The other end is just as delicious as the rest of the green bean  [I'm talking to you, Alex and Deb. ] 

A thing of beauty

"I bet that 'true/false' thing he does doesn't ever get old"  -- Deb

Nothing says Fourth of July in 'Murica like juicy, grilled hamburgers, except maybe having a home run derby on an aircraft carrier and hitting the balls off the deck into a swarm of people driving jet-skis,  all while loud rock & roll plays...which actually happened in Baltimore.  U.S.A!  U.S.A!  U.S.A! 

THESE COLORS DON'T BUNT

Sorry, where were we....hamburgers!  American!  Yes.  Like the 'fakin bacon drippings', these were tasty enough to please our carnivores while still allowing our vegetarians peace of mind. We also made our own ketchup!

Hamburgers and ketchup gravy
(Or, in plainspeak, fake meat burgers braised in home made ketchup)

Ingredients

• 1 pound ground beef
• 1/2 cup ketchup
• 1/2 cup bread crumbs
• 1 teaspoon onion powder
• 1/2 teaspoon steak seasoning, or to taste
• salt and pepper to taste
• 2 teaspoons vegetable oil
• 1 large onion, cut into chunks
• 1 cup ketchup (see recipe below for a homemade variety)
• 1/2 cup water, or as needed

Directions

1. In a medium bowl, mix together the ground beef, 1/2 cup ketchup, bread crumbs, onion powder, steak seasoning, salt, and pepper. Form into small fat hamburger patties, or meatballs.
2. Heat oil in a large heavy skillet over medium-high heat. Place the patties in the skillet, and cook until browned on both sides. Remove patties to a plate, and drain grease from the skillet.
3. In the same pan, slowly stir together the remaining ketchup and water if the mixture seems thin, add a bit more ketchup, or if it is thick, add more water. Add the onion, and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low. Return the patties to the pan, cover, and simmer for 30 minutes. Stir after the 30 minutes, and if the gravy is still thin, continue simmering with the lid off until gravy thickens. 

 That recipe comes from AllRecipes.com.

Homemade ketchup!

1  28-oz. can tomato purée
1 medium yellow onion, peeled and quartered
1 clove garlic, crushed and peeled
1⁄2 fresh jalapeño, stemmed and seeded
2 tbsp. dark brown sugar
1⁄2 cup cider vinegar
Pinch cayenne
Pinch celery salt
Pinch dry mustard
Pinch ground allspice
Pinch ground cloves
Pinch ground ginger
Pinch ground cinnamon
Salt and freshly ground black pepper

1. Put tomato purée, onions, garlic, jalapeño, and sugar into a blender or food processor and pulse until blended. Add vinegar and 1 cup water and purée until smooth.

2. Transfer to a medium saucepan; add cayenne, celery salt, mustard, allspice, cloves, ginger, and cinnamon. Cook over low heat, stirring occasionally, for 45 minutes. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Store in refrigerator, covered, for up to 1 month.

Dessert:  Cherry Nectarine Crisp

Nothing says USA like apple pie, but we've made those before. So tonight, we're attempting to mix cherries and nectarines in such a way that they don't come out tasting sour and unappealing.  For this tricky endeavor, Alex chose to put his faith in this recipe, also from allrecipes.com.  but then of course, he changed the hell out of it.

If you want to try it, note that we modified this recipe with the following ideas:

Cherry-Nectarine crisp with honey

Topping: Nilla wafers, butter, honey, brown sugar

How did everything taste, you wonder? Well, here goes:

	Alex	Brian	Deb	Janet	Jim
Microwave Potato Chips	A(almost A+)  I was shocked at the flavor and texture.  I could eat 100 Million of them	A-  Easy, innovative.  The only thing keeping them from an A+ is discovering different toppings	B-  I liked it but there was a small hint of ehhhh.  I wouldn't make this again unless I was starving in a house  with a potato and a microwave. And I couldn't get out, I mean.	B+/A-  They were very good, very easy but there was nothing super special about them.	B+  With the right seasonings, they would be an A.  Individually seasoning them was a little annoying.
Home made ketchup braised fake meat burgers	B  Very hearty and tasty.  It tasted like ketchup.	A-  It wound up being really tasty.  The ketchup was a little tricky.	A  Those were amazing!	B+  Super delicious but a little too sweet	B+  I agree with Janet.
"Bacon" Sauteed Green Beans	A-  Flavorful.  The "bacon-ness" didn't disguise the green beans.	A-  The "bacon-ness" could have disguised the green beans a bit more, and that would've been fine with me.	A-  Bacon was a nice bright note.  Maybe bigger bits would be nice	B+  Good but I didn't taste the bacon flavor.	B  A little greasy but they were tasty.
Greg's Southern Biscuits	B  They were fine.  They needed to bake for 1.5 minutes less or maybe they were over-mixed just a little.	A  They were perfect.  Biscuit-y biscuits	B+  Just the fact that we broke the biscuit curse and had good fluffy biscuits is a great thing but they didn't transcend to A status.	B-  I don't believe in the fake buttermilk.	B+  The others failed to butter their biscuits and that made all the difference.  Silly people
Nectarine and Cherry Crisp	B  Those nectarines were not ripe enough to bake.  The cherries were great	B  I'm not a big fan of baked fruits.	B+  I loved it but I wouldn't make it again because Nilla wafers aren't that healthy	B-  It was good, but desserts can be so very good that the bar is high.	B  Nilla wafers and cherries are amazing!  The nectarines needed to be riper and a bit more flavorful.